From August to Awesome: Ranking Every Month
Is there any bigger leap in month quality than going from August to September?
August is just the worst, with the hot and heavy air pushing down on you like a middle school bully. And, it’s interminable! The calendar says 31 days, but I swear there are times when I check on the 15th, only to find there are nine weeks left in the month.
Plus, when your baseline level of anxiety is “Chihuahua in a thunderstorm,” August means the prospect of school looming just past the horizon, like the Super Posse in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Compare that with September. The weather breaks with a crackle of color, replacing August evenings that are the texture of pudding skins with cool autumn nights. You’re back at school, so there’s no reason to dread it anymore, and, do I even have to mention football?
Every month has its own qualities. So, with that in mind, as we ascend from the depths of August into the heights of September, let’s rank the months from worst to best.
The Jaws 4: The Revenge Division
12. August. As mentioned above, the answer to the question, “What if humidity was a month?”
11. March. There’s no bigger liar than March. If it had a nose, it would be the length of a pickleball paddle. March tempts you with the idea of spring, but for every sunny day it gives you, it’ll hit you with two days of soul-eating winds. Plus it sometimes snows? No thank you.
10. January. The entire month is summed up on New Year’s Day, when you wake up dry-mouthed and foggy about the night before, sick with the prospect of only having a single day to recover before work starts back up. After the parties of December, it’s 31 days of snow-covered hangover.
The Jaws 3D Division
9. April. The month’s entire vibe is like going out with a really hot, terminally toxic person. Are there sunny days as bright and beautiful as anything you’ll see in May? Sure. But are there also torrential downpours and mud thicker than month-old oatmeal? Yup.
8. February. Kids, when your parents were little, there used to be a day off for Lincoln’s and Washington’s birthdays. We were a proper country, unfettered by the weight of “Presidents Day,” a muddled bouillabaisse of a holiday. February never recovered from this.
7. June. I can hear you booing like the Dirty Thirty when Donovan McNabb was drafted. This is a controversial pick, but I stand by it. The end of school is always worth celebrating, but “Dads and Grads?” More like “ugly ties and a list of 900 names you don’t care about in the sweltering heat.”
The Jaws 2 Division
6. October. Listen, I get that some of you erect 12-foot skeletons on your lawn the first nanosecond of October, but I’ve never been a big Halloween guy. That said, a hot chocolate on the first really cold night of the year is as good as life gets, and that usually happens this month.
5. September. As I said above, moving from August to September is like Taylor Swift dumping John Mayer and marrying Travis Kelce. Big upgrade. HUGE!
4. July. Every Fourth of July, my stepmother would make an airy sponge cake, layered with whipped cream and topped by blueberries and strawberries in the shape of an American flag. It was a work of art that we devoured in milliseconds, but that’s what I think of when I picture July in my head. Sun, fun and my birthday. Almost perfect.
The Jaws Division
3. May. May is what March wants to be and what April fools you into thinking it is. It’s such a beautiful month that we collectively spit in the face of astronomy and let summer start here rather than let some pesky “solstice” decide. It’s prom season and mom season, and George Harrison’s “Here Comes the Sun” for 31 solid days.
2. December. Nine-year-old me would have had this No. 1 with a bullet. There’s no defeating Christmas when you’re a kid. You don’t even mind the shorter days because the nights are lit up by 25,000 imported Italian twinkle lights! I couldn’t give it the victory, however, because as an adult, December can run you ragged. The joy always outshines the obligation, but the obligation never fully disappears.
1. November. Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever invented, with the best food on the planet. It’s a secular orgy of over-eating, football and chardonnay-fueled arguments with the guy your aunt married. Bonus points that in South Jersey our kids get two extra days for Teachers Convention, which means just as the cold is taking root, you can maybe take a quick trip south for some sun. There’s just no beating it.
Disagree with my picks? Let me know here: jay@jayblack.tv
