There are a few ways to know it’s Christmastime in New Jersey. The seagulls are a little less aggressive as they steal food out of your hand. The guy who just cut you off going 85 miles an hour on the turnpike is a little slower to give you a single finger salute. And, of course, every man, woman and child is playing Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” five times an hour, every hour, from now until Dec. 25.
(And if you think that’s excessive, think about the poor people in Liverpool who have to listen to Paul McCartney shouting, “Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmas-time” with the same frequency. Their minds must be sludge by Boxing Day.)
Springsteen’s version of the song opens with him asking the band if they’ve been good this year. I imagine that’s mostly directed at Little Steven, who, Bruce has to know by now, has been secretly working with Tony Soprano, out of Newark, since at least 1999. It’s a worthwhile question to ask, not just of his band, but of the entire state.
As the Big Day looms on the horizon like a Japanese Kaiju ready to devour Tokyo, I think it’s only fair that we help Santa decide who’s been New Jersey Naughty and who’s been New Jersey Nice. Follow along below to see which side of the list you fall on:
New Jersey Naughty: When you’re so used to using Wawa self-checkout that you leave the store without paying for your two TastyKakes and large fountain soda.
New Jersey Nice: Running back into the store, in a panic, and desperately punching in your purchase, a little embarrassed by the fact that you’re buying two TastyKakes to devour in your car so your wife doesn’t find out that you’re cheating on your diet.
New Jersey Naughty: Realizing that nobody stopped you when you left the store without paying and you start planning a TastyKake heist.
New Jersey Nice: Understanding that people from Pennsylvania, New York and Delaware, while ostensibly our neighbors, have never fully embraced learning how to navigate our circles and jughandles, so, in the spirit of the holidays, you only curse them out a little bit as you pass them, holding back on all the really good invectives until after the new year.
New Jersey Naughty: Taking your friend from out of town to an Eagles game, and explaining to them that “football isn’t that big of a deal here,” so “don’t be afraid to wear your Dallas Jersey.”
New Jersey Nice: Sitting with your Dallas fan friend while he waits in the emergency room.
New Jersey Naughty: Giving someone from out of state directions and not explaining to them that South Jersey towns were apparently named by a drunken collection of newly escaped mental patients. No, Haddonfield is completely different from Haddon Heights, and neither of those things are in Haddon Township. Oh, and if you’re headed to Evesham, be aware that it’s the same thing as Marlton, for some reason. Listen, just follow your GPS to this Jawn, not that Jawn.
New Jersey Nice: You watch the tram car, please.
New Jersey Naughty: You spend the entirety of your week in Wildwood annoying your family by impersonating the “Watch the tram car, please” voice.
New Jersey Nice: You don’t play dumb when someone asks for sprinkles on their ice cream, even though every civilized person knows that the correct pronunciation of “sprinkles” is “jimmies.”
New Jersey Naughty: Trying to get away with a late-summer barbecue with subpar, out-of-state, store-bought, trash corn on the cob. Did you think that the people you invited over to your house were born without taste buds? If you didn’t stop at a farm stand and buy your corn directly from a guy named Frank and his unimpressed dog, then you obviously don’t care enough to even have a barbecue.
New Jersey Nice: No matter how many times they ask, no matter how curious they seem to be, no matter how much they promise they won’t be mad at you, you don’t ever, ever tell your non-South Jersey friends what was in the scrapple they just ate.
New Jersey Naughty: Forgetting to give special thanks to the gas station attendant when it’s 4 degrees outside and they’re filling up your car for you. The least you can do is acknowledge that, because of them, you don’t have to freeze… your highness.
New Jersey Nice: Remembering that every person you meet is struggling with something that you have no conception of, and making sure that, especially during the holiday season, you give them the best version of yourself.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and that Santa brings you a new saxophone this year!
