When I discovered that this month’s issue was going to feature physicians, I said to myself, “Well, I certainly have a lot to say when it comes to dentists and doctors.” So here goes.
“I’ve been waiting here for over an hour.”
Raise your hand if you have ever uttered those words at a dentist’s or doctor’s office. Yup! That’s what I thought.
Do you ever ask yourself, “What was the point of scheduling an appointment?” You spend all this time making the damn thing and then you end up waiting way longer than your allotted time. But heaven forbid you get stuck in traffic and you’re five minutes late. They act like it’s the end of the world! What’s the dealio?
Now, you might not believe this, but I actually shed some kindness when the doctors keep me waiting. It must be really difficult to have a 6-foot-2, 240-pound man-child who can’t pinpoint where the pain is coming from. And so, I say to them, “Don’t worry doc, I know you have about 10 patients in here right now all doing the same thing, it must be tough.” Well, that’s
a lie. I’m not understanding at all.
“DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I’VE BEEN WAITING!?” Ten minutes, that’s probably how long, but it felt like an hour, I swear!
“We can see you on Friday, 10 a.m.”
Now look, I have the same chances of that doctor being ready for that appointment at 10 a.m. as I have of talking Scarlett Johansson into joining me in a hot tub. But because I’ve spent my career as a standup comic at private parties and beef and beers, I know the chances of me going on at the time they said are slim to none. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been waiting to perform at an event for over an hour past the time they told me I was supposed to go on. I might not be a brain surgeon, but I can tell a mean joke! I hate waiting!
But unfortunately, you have to wait and just suck it up. I was once at a show where I’d already been waiting an hour when the man in charge of the show told me I was going to have to wait at least a half hour more. Well I was having a bad day and I flipped out and said, “Well, I’m not waiting any longer,” and then the guy insisted on getting the money back. He took the check back from me and said, “Well, you’re not going to be paid if you aren’t going to perform,” to which I said, “I don’t care.” And I really didn’t care.
So I was pulling my car out of the parking lot, and he was still out there yelling when, for some reason, he mentioned the name of a teacher I once had, who was in the audience—and who I did not know was even there. I slowly turned back to him and said, “Alright, give me the check. I’ll go back and do the show.” Which I did.
“The doctor will see you now.”
Oh yeah right, fat chance of that! All they are going to do is put you in another room. You sat in the lobby for a half hour, now they call your name but where’s the doctor? He’s going to let you wait in another room but now you get to sit on that really crinkly paper that crunches every time you move. It’s annoying. We’ve all been there. Except now I’m looking at posters for every disease known to man. I don’t need to see an advertisement for Viagra! Now I’m upset. Geez, and I thought everything was working just fine down there.
“Now this will pinch a little bit.”
OMG! I love, love, love when a doctor says to you, “Now you’re going to feel a little pinch,” and then he pulls out a needle the size of railroad spike. I mean, I guess it’s better than, “This is going to hurt so much, you’ll want to die.” Apparently, this doctor has decided early in his career that “This will sting just a little bit” is far better than him saying to you, “You might want to really grip the arms of your chair on this one” or “This is going hurt so bad that rivers of tears will be flowing down your face.” Other than that, it’s just a little pinch.
Little appointment card
Now you’re finally leaving the office but not before you make your next appointment. Another one? We have to do this again!? They call you to the desk with a little appointment card in hand and ask, “When did the doctor say you should schedule your next appointment?” And I say, “How’s never? Is never good enough for you?”
Giant tooth
I used to do a gig every Thursday night at a club in Exton, Pennsylvania, which was a pretty long ride for a guy from Mullica Hill. And every night I got a red light at the same exact stinking intersection. And at that corner was a giant tooth. Not a billboard of a tooth but a real tooth that you could rap your knuckles on if you felt like it. All that advertisement did was scare me. I always knew it was coming, there was no avoiding it. It was a sign I was going to need a root canal eventually. I would even dream about it the night before. And always in that dream, this giant tooth was chomping on me like Robert Shaw being eaten by the shark in Jaws.
Sugar
Please don’t tell me that all I have to do is give up sugar. I would imagine it’s easier for a heroin addict to quit his junk than for me to give up my 3 Musketeers.
The next Two Funny Philly Guys show is coming to the Colonial Theatre in Phoenixville on Friday, Sept. 24 at 8 p.m. The last 10 shows have all sold out but you can get tickets by going to BigDaddyGraham.com.
