SJM_Big_Daddy_0520_Big Daddy 5 / 5 / 20 4 : 29 PM Page 1 B I G by B I G D A D D Y G R A H A M d W O R D S ? To catch my new podcast , “ From the Wheelchair with Big Daddy Graham , ” or for further news and updates , visit BigDaddyGraham.com Going Stir Crazy that woman spent every waking minute of drawer . Hell rained down on my brothers am writing this on April 20 . Like the her life yelling at me for not reading . If I was and my sisters if those scissors weren’t there rest of the world I am going nuts over heading out the door to head to the mall when Mom went to use them . ( My dad was thiscoronavirus quarantine . My daughter I she would say , “ The bus might be late , bring never a suspect . No one ever saw my dad Ava moved out of our home 14 months ago , a book . ” If I was lying on the living room with anything but a bottle of Ballentine in so now it’s just me and my wife . That alone floor watching The Flintstones , she would his hand . ) What killed me was that there is a recipe for disaster , and there’s not one literally throw a hardback book at the back was nothing special about these scissors . wife or husband reading this who doesn’t of my head . I’d look at the book and it would They were ordinary and so old that the color know exactly what I mean . be something like William Faulkner’s The had completely worn off , making them easy I’ve been married 38 years and one thing Sound and the Fury . “ Really , Mom ? ! ” to blend in with a couch cushion or the top we have perfected is how to get on each I would of the pantry shelf . Dag , the amount of time other’s nerves . I like to think that we are exclaim . “ You want me to stop watching I wasted looking for these scissors when I Olympic gold medal winners in this sport . Fred and Barney for this crap ! ” could’ve been doing something much more We’ll challenge anybody . As long as it never We could argue over anything . And did . valuable like organizing my gets even close to being physical , I would Music , politics , movies , homework , my room . baseball card watch a couple argue and bicker before I Most people thought we enjoyed it . Maybe collection . would watch half of the sports that are on we did . I know I miss those battles dearly . And God forbid if you wanted to use TV However , me and my mother were never them . You had to get written permission right now . ESPN has a new show on quarantined alone in a house . Day after day , from the commissioner of baseball for crying called Having a Catch and that’s exactly week after week , and now month after out loud . “ What do you want them for ? ” what it is — two knuckleheads throwing a month . I am not saying it would have ended she would say with a threatening snarl . football around . ( OK , that’s a joke . ) up in a bloodbath , but it wouldn’t have been Often , I would need them to cut out articles Here’s another thing . People mistakenly pretty , that’s for sure . about my sports heroes , but I soon learned think that it’s men and women exclusively No , leave the bloodbath part of the story that wasn’t a good enough answer , so I who can’t live together , but the truth is it’s for me and my wife . Although we are fully usually just replied , “ For homework . ” And hard to live with anybody . capable of arguing over the topics of the one more thing . If you were going to borrow My close buddy , the legendary Spins day and our families , our arguments are scissors from your mother , you better make Nitely , and I have been hanging and per - more like snippets of words and facial tics sure you held them the correct way when forming together for over 45 years . I swear that can set us you walked away from her — and that was to God we have never gotten even in the off . A simple “ whatever ” with the sharp edge inward . That was another slightest of arguments . But about 40 years dropped in just the right moment . scissor infraction resulting in two or three ago we ended up living together in this whacks to the back of the head if you didn’t . awful apartment in Gloucester City for two “ What have you been doing in the basement Sharing a stinking months and it was a disaster . We all afternoon ? ” room withmy older brother bed once got in a kicking and screaming fight “ Nothing . ” was no day at the beach either , because he that wrestled its way through every room “ Nothing ? For six hours ? ” was usually and rightfully ticked off at me in the apartment . “ You know , whatever . ” for breaking something that he owned that And it was over toast “ You did NOT just say ‘ whatever ’ to me . ” I shouldn’t have been playing with . Binoculars , crumbs on the couch and who was re - “ You’re right , I didn’t . ” his Brownie camera , even his bike’s handle - sponsible for that . I kid you not . Neil Simon’s “ You better not have . ” bars that I twisted beyond recognition and The Odd Couple is such an enduring play , “ Better not what ? ” then denied it when he accused me of doing movie and television show because it proves “ Say ‘ whatever ’ to me ever again for the rest so . He also claimed that I made this odd what this whole article is about — that it’s of your life . ” clucking noise when I slept . I would deny impossible to live together . ( By the way , “ Oh yeah ? Since you’re being a Mr . Bossy this . “ I do not ! ” And my brother would yell Joe Conklin and I performed The Odd Pants about it , how’s this ? ” back , “ How would you know ? You’re asleep ! ” Couple one summer in Camden and we “ WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER I fared much better with my sisters . I ended up being short with each other the WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER am seven years younger than my older sister entire run of the show . ) WHATEVER ! ” and seven years older than my younger Take my mother , for example . She was sister . To this day I can’t recall having a terrific fun and I miss her badly to this day . Any minute now , the police are going to heated argument with either one of them . But I can only imagine her in heaven scream - arrive at my house to have my wife arrested . So , in the ing at an angel , “ Did you take my scissors ? ! end , it all comes down to the “ On what charge , ” may the judge ask . Did you take my scissors ? ! How hard is it to two most important women of my life , my “ She rolled her eyes at me and then said put the scissors back where they belong ? ! ” mother and my wife . Let’s start with Mom . she didn’t ! ” First of all , she should have been receiving a Boy , she had a real thing about those “ That will be 15 years in the slammer ! ” monthly check from the National Book As - scissors . She had this little cigar box with n Geez , if only real life worked that sociation ( if there is such a thing ) because the lid ripped off that she kept in a kitchen easy . SOUTH JERSEY MAGAZINE volume 17 issue 2 SouthJerseyMagazine.com 56 |